============================================================================ Episode #314 -- "The Pez Dispenser" Originally Aired: Wednesday, January 15, 1992, 9:00PM ============================================================================ Production Credits: Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld Written By ........................... Larry David Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones ============================================================================ Cast: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!) George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Drefus Kramer ............................... Michael Richards With: Noel ................................. Elizabeth Morehead John ................................. Fred Sanders D'Giff ............................... Bill Applebaum Polar Bear ........................... Allen Bloomfield Richie ............................... Chris Barnes Intervenor ........................... Steve Kehela Roberta .............................. Kate Benton ============================================================================ Previous episode references: ============================================================================ Fill in later... ============================================================================ Net reaction and comments: ============================================================================ Fill in later... ============================================================================ The Cereal Report: ============================================================================ o Eleven boxes noted, four of which appear to be Chex of some sort. ============================================================================ Known Bugs: ============================================================================ o Once again, the VCR didn't kick in until after George's first couple of words so, once again, I missed the opening monologue and I'm missing George's first few words. o Assumed spellings: o The Waldstein Sonata o The McBierney School o John Mollika ============================================================================ Quotes and Scene summary: ============================================================================ % Opening monologue Oops... % Open at Jerry's George: ...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sinata*! The *Waldstein*! % George, giddy as a schoolgirl, does his best piano impression, complete % with flailing, conducting arms. He continues his tale of ribaldry... George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know? % Jerry comes out of the bathroom, seemingly oblivious to G's ramblings... Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything. George: I was telling you about Noel. Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos... George: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny... Jerry: Alright, I'm sorry. What about her? George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now? Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good. George: No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand... % Jerry seems more interested in the ballgame on TV than what George is % saying. George gets him a Diet Coke and asks for some advice from the % wise, old sage. George: How do I get the hand? Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening. George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go... Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'... George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way. % Kramer enters (don't you just *love* the older shows that don't have the % oh-so-cheesy applause when he enters? I know I do). Anyway, the K-Man % comes in, peppy as always. He goes straight for George... Kramer: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it! George: With all due respect, I don't think so... % Kramer shifts over to Jerry and offers his forearm.... Jerry: That smells good, what is that? Kramer: The *beach*! Jerry: The *beach*? George: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degres out! Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club. Jerry: You joined the *Polar Bears*?! George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"? Kramer: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're teriffic, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating.... Jerry: Yeah... So's shock therapy. % Kramer gets out a Tweety Pez dispenser. Ummm, K-Man, do you know what % you're about to unleash on alt.tv.seinfeld??? Jerry: [with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?! Kramer: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market. George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly? Jerry: You don't know? George: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his chinese take out] I know... Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you? George: *No*... Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Makret, and you think they have fleas there. George: Alright, I think they have fleas there. So what... % The brute donates the Tweety to Jer (hey, he bought five of 'em), and we % skip ahead to Noel's recital. Jerry, Elaine and George sit waiting for % the show to begin. George sits nervously while J+E chat. Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers? Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on. Elaine: *No*, we would have heard it. Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? % Well I know that would've been *my* guess... George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. Jerry: [quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?! % A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano. Everyone applauds, % including Jerry who claps while verifying with George: Jerry: Is this okay? Can I do this? % Noel begins. Dramatically. It's enough to make a man reach for his % candy pooper. Jerry helps himself to a Pez, unfortunately, he also % decides that this would be a good time to stand Tweety up on Elaine's % purse on her lap. Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter, % but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter % to snorting. Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing % with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses. Elaine % relieves herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping % for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here). Outside, % she runs into an old acquaintance. John: Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika. Elaine: Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi... John: What're you doing down here? % Elaine goes on to recount the tale of how Jerry put a Pez dispenser on % her leg, causing her to break up laughing (it should be noted that % John doesn't find this *nearly* as funny as Elaine). John goes on to % ask about Elaine's love-life, etc. The man's after you Elaine, I'm % warnin' you... % % Meanwhile, Tweety now occupies Elaine's seat back in the theatre, % standing erect and proud where Elaine once sat, much to George's % chagrin. % % Back outside, Elaine asks about Richie Appel (a mutual friend of John % and Jerry and Elaine). Uh-oh... Richie has been doing drugs so % Elaine suggests doing an "Intervention" where close friends come by and % convince the addict to seek therapy. John thinks this is a marvelous % idea, as long as Jerry is involved 'cuz "he *really* respects Jerry" who % is at this point making Tweety applaud inside as the recital is over. % % We cut to back inside as G+J+E are waiting outside Noel's dressing room % door. Elaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry! George: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place? Jerry: I dunno, it was an impulse. George: What kind of a sick impulse does that?? Jerry: How could I know she would start to laugh? Elaine: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*! Jerry: Can we just go in already? George: What are we gonna tell her? Elaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. George: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*... Elaine: [To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. Jerry: What about? George: Hey, hey! We're discussing something! Jerry: I know, but I'm distracted now. George: What are you? A *baby*!? % Elaine starts to tell of her meeting with John, but George quickly cuts % in: George: Uh, can we cut to the chase? Jerry: "Cut to the chase"? George: Yeah... Jerry: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"? George: A lot of people say it. Jerry: I would lose that. George: [Accusingly] What's *that*? Jerry: That's not a Hollywood expression! George: [Realising full well it isn't] ...Yes it is. % Elaine continues and tells Jerry about Ritchie, but George excitedly cuts % in: George: Y'know people, we got a situation here! % Elaine ignores George and continues to explain the situation to Jerry, who % is distracted by that darned Pez dispenser... Jerry: Y'know these things are *really* hard to load... % They go into the dressing room and J+E are introduced to Noel. All of % G+J+E compliment Noel on her playing. Jerry: You play a *Hell* of a piano. Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved. Noel: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated*... Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you. Noel: Well then, what was she laughing at? Jerry: Pez? Noel: No thank you. % Get it? Jerry was offering a Pez, but he was really having fun with G+E's % minds by "answering" Noel's question. Get it? Oh, never mind... I was % ROFL, but that's irrelevant. Sorry. Back to our story... [Now someone's supposed to make grinding noises and make it sound like a VCR eating a tape. Then someone else should scream out "SHIT!" while someone else desperately tries to turn off the power...] Sigh... I'll finish the capsule as soon as I find someone around here that has it on tape (hopefully I can replace a bag of other episodes as well...) Stay tuned... [End] ===========================================================================